He was here today, my dad. I was sitting on the sofa knees up, slouching, and I knew he was in the room with me. I was overcome with emotion; a whole filled up cup of love, sadness, loss and wishful thinking all in the same breath.
My dad died when I was circa 31, awful that I can't be exact but we grew up apart due to the facts of life. I knew Howard Colwyn Lang everyday of my life until the ripe old age of 11 when divorce reared it's head and my dad moved back to Devon whilst we all lived with our mother and Chaz.
Weird that he should be in my thoughts now and frequently of late. I remember being on the stair and taking the call from my sister Maria, telling me he had gone. I remember looking out of a little window and just feeling immensely guilty that I had let him down. I know I sat on the stair for how long? and have no idea what happened after that. I only know I never got to say goodbye and I guess that bothers me somewhat.
I know that my dad is probably over my shoulder now, just saying " Don't be silly darling, it wasn't your fault" but you know how it kinda feels that way.
Anyway, that was that I guess. My kids never knew him, a loss from both sides, he would have adored them and they equally him.
I was telling you that I don't want to die of old age because I don't have stories to tell youngster's. What? Yeah, I know, silly but; I really love old folks. I love that they have so many stories to tell, of when life was hard, wartime, poverty, kindred spirit. I love that their door was always open and a sense of community was very apparent. That unfortunately has been lost in the world we live in.
To be continued.....
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